Trust is paramount to security. Without trust, we are essentially unsafe in our own space.
The combination of trust and security epitomizes the unwavering feeling that our partners have our backs. The definitive sense of knowing that our partner’s loyalty will fuel each of their decisions, without our second thought. When we feel this security with our partner, we are subsequently gifted with the natural ability to express our feelings and ideas without resistance, trusting that our partner will not ridicule or diminish us upon sharing. We feel safe, supported, and encouraged to be ourselves.
Only until we are proven wrong do we get to enjoy this gift. One indiscretion and this trust is liquified, most often destroying the element of trust that was built along with many other facets of a once healthy and safe relationship. However, for the sake of this particular lesson, we are going to emphasize the power of trust and intentional distrust in a relationship.
In relationships, we protect ourselves via the power of predictability. We use predictability to maintain control over our lives and ultimately, to prevent heartbreak. To prevent the uncomfortable feeling of “I just wasted the last ten years of my life by letting my guard down.”
Predictability in the presence of trust is a calm sensation. Whereas predictability in the face of distrust is a stressful sensation. Ask yourself this; which predictability matches how you feel?
We learn trust by observing our partners which ultimately leads to what end of the predictability spectrum we fall. Mostly at the beginning of relationships but also as years go by in long term committed relationships, we watch our partners react and behave in different scenarios. Just like predictability, our observations either create a sense of ease or a sense of concern. Either leads to either type of predictability. One leads to calm, ease, and trust. The other leads to stress, concern, and distrust.
If we are blessed with feelings of continuous ease, then our level of predictability decreases & trust increases. We feel content, comfortable, and without unnecessary worry. As a result, we enjoy a routine “good” feeling about the state of our relationship. We trust that our relationship will yield longevity and more general feelings of contentment.
When we trust, we get to enjoy this! And it affects us directly. When we can trust, we are also more in tune with our real, more personal emotions. Without being ridden with stress, anxiety, and worry, we get to revel in our other feelings and enjoy more rational thinking instead. That way, when real problems arise, we can approach them collaboratively and find solutions more effectively, more intimately. Communication is more truthful. Word selection is more mindful. This means less hostility in the presence of conflict. Forgiveness is quicker. Moving onward is easier. Reflect on this; Love is better when we can trust.
A relationship between two trustworthy individuals but without the presence of trust will endure the same interpersonal problems as those relationships that do consist of at least one untrustworthy individual.
Unfortunate though, are those who cannot trust. Their partner can be entirely trustworthy but this is not enough. These individuals often employ other similar patterns of thought in other relationships, making many interactions difficult, unintimate, and without true connection. They are often overly critical of others, hyper analytical, perceiving most behaviors as unfavorable or negative without justifiable reason. It is difficult for these individuals to give others, especially strangers, the benefit of the doubt. Doing so would make them feel even more vulnerable, more at risk, and more fearful of getting hurt. It has been said that this distrust can yield as a result of themselves being untrustworthy or they feel distrusted by others.
The consequences of intentionally being distrusting are not only destructive to a relationship but also self-destructive. Those who cannot trust constantly feel like they are at risk for receiving pain at any point in time. They are always ready to defend and resist in order to stay safe. These individuals miss out on authentic connection and lack openness but are rather abundant in skeptically questioning their partner’s motives.
As a further consequence, the relationship will more than likely cycle through constant highs and lows as a match to that individual’s own psychological roller coaster. This individual will question and inspect their partner’s every behavior and intention, choosing to bear and introduce unnecessary stress to an otherwise promising relationship.
If you are in a relationship with no premise to be untrusting, reflect on this; Love is better when we choose to trust.